The what-ifs?

I wish I had a magic wand to stop my mind from going to the what-ifs about the problem with my implant.

I try not to think of the options but there is almost none that is a good one, absent it turning out to be nothing, but that is no answer - for I know something is not right.

So. Okay. Something is wrong. What happens next?

I can leave it as is.

That's no good. By going bad it proved it was doing good. I still could not work, the pain still got in the way of using my eye for any long period of time, I still was disabled, but it did give me, 5 maybe 10 minutes longer of eye usage before the nausea from pain set in.

I can have them take it out.

Ugh. It is attached to the covering of my brain and encased in scar tissue (I assume). After 20 years it will be hard to take out (or is it 'off') of my brain. Is there the potential for damage? Who knows?

The first implant, a dorsal column stimulator, worked wonderfully well. All the touch pain was gone. It was marvelous. And then I lost it to an infection.

Dr. Barolat removed it with no damage but 1) it was in my neck and 2) it was removed only after 7 months. It was not really enough time to get attached to me - even though, because it worked, I was very attached to it.

The next one did not work, at all. Was that because it was not in the exact same spot? There was no way to know. If they took this out could they get it back in the exact same place so it would still help? Who knows?

I think I have mentioned that this implant is 100% experimental. I am not sure what amount insurance paid towards the surgery. I believe the hospital picked up some of the cost.

The local neurosurgeon told me he did not think I could have it replaced. Insurance would never pay for it because it is experimental.

There are so many ways this could turn out. It appears almost none of them are good outcomes.

The best that could happen is that they decide there is nothing wrong with it - but because of the horrid sensation that started this course of turning it down and down and down, to now being on only 1 minute per hour at the lowest level of stimulation, I am afraid I would remain afraid to turn it up higher.

"Don't anticipate." "Be in the here and now." I know that is the best way to deal with this. I just wish my mind would heed that advice.