My book.

My book.
"Fascinating" Stephen S. Hall. writer, N.Y.Times magazine. "Hard to put down." A.C.P.A., American Chronic Pain Association.

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Monday, June 20, 2011

Losing my elasticity?

I am going to vacation bible school tonight. I know it will require at least one dose of codeine.

It is fun, not something that I expected it to be, so well worth the time. A lot of socializing, interesting conversation and thought provoking ideas. Also, the pained part: a decent amount of trying to look at more than one person, bright lights, and at the beginning and the end, mostly, a flashbulbs going off as the church histoirian takes photos.

It is a beautiful day. Also well worth the going out and doing something.

But that means driving in the bright sun, looking around: today's errands, the grocery and probably Walmart, using my eyes, provoking the pain.

I remember when the pain was at its worst. I was on high levels of narcotics and in horrendous constant pain; but I got done what needed to be done. Pressing forward with my medical malpractice lawsuit by doing depositions, interrogatories, research, and writing my book, high intensity eye work both but both needing to be done, and so they were.

I popped pills, at one point up to 14 grains of codeine a day (4 - 6 is the normal dosage) accepting the awful feeling they gave me. I had no choice - I had work to do.

Today I think about going to the store and then to the church meeting. It is too much. I do not want to take more than 1 pill, for the whole day. I do not want to make the pain worse by checking out the store aisles or letting the sun beam into my eye, setting off the light sensitivity pain, making the eye usage harder and the pain more severe, and harder to shake off.

It bothers me. Why could I do it then but cannot now, or really, the question - why do I not want to do it now?

Of course the easy answer is who wants to cause themselves pain if they do not have to? It is not necessary to complete the errands today. Nothing I need to get is of vital immediate importance. It can wait, making 'school' tonight the main painful thing I will do today.

A part of me gets mad at myself. Why could I do it then but now it just seems like too much trouble? Is it age? Maybe. 20's, 30's then, 50's now. Yep, maybe it is age.

Is it the tired of putting myself in pain, of placing myself in situations that I know will make the pain worse, or, if a good day, has not yet started? Yes, maybe it is the act of being my own torturer.

There is so much I want to do. I hate the being alone and the lonliness. I deplore the inactivity. The difference, I think, is then I did what had to be done, what must be done. The store, the gas station, even medical appointments - none of them will make much of a difference if I put them off for a day or two. The hatefulness of the not doing may come down to the aloneness - most days, if I choose not to go out, that's it, I see no one. On a day like today I have the church to look forward to for tonight.

As I write this out my thoughts work to answer the question. Maybe it is the lack of connectedness to the world but also the lack of stimulation, of seeing other people, of having things to think about outside of myself. Maybe, one of the reasons I could do it then and less so now is because I have nothing of enough importance in my life that it must be done, the pain be darned. What a sad thing.

I have no answer for it. Just a 'here is my thought' for today post.


  1. Thanks for sharing. Makes me feel like I've got nothing to complain about -

  2. I find that the more I isolate myself, the worse I isolate myself, if that makes sense. I start not going out to simply not go out, all pain fear aside. The anxiety about what will happen when I get "there" has started to take an insidious hold on my brain and agoraphobia is starting to set in.

    Not a healthy way to live and the isolation is simply horrible to live with. I have trouble seeing solitude instead of loneliness. It's all in how you look at things, but it's hard to not resent people who are able to just rush about their daily lives without having to think about the consequences. I am jealous of all the "normal" people doing social things and enjoying the company of their friends. Where are all my friends???

    I guess the up side is that we plan so much better for our trips out that we are probably combining and saving gas? Just a thought.


  3. Chelle,
    I know exactloy what you mean. It is a good thing that you see yorself doing it so hopefully it will help it not to turn into an agoraphobia.
    It is not healthy, for sure.
    You know that is exactly one way in which I rationalize it. If I combine it all into one trip it does save money. I am not always sure the money saving is a benefit jusat because of the staying in the next time.