I am going to vacation bible school tonight. I know it will require at least one dose of codeine.
It is fun, not something that I expected it to be, so well worth the time. A lot of socializing, interesting conversation and thought provoking ideas. Also, the pained part: a decent amount of trying to look at more than one person, bright lights, and at the beginning and the end, mostly, a flashbulbs going off as the church histoirian takes photos.
It is a beautiful day. Also well worth the going out and doing something.
But that means driving in the bright sun, looking around: today's errands, the grocery and probably Walmart, using my eyes, provoking the pain.
I remember when the pain was at its worst. I was on high levels of narcotics and in horrendous constant pain; but I got done what needed to be done. Pressing forward with my medical malpractice lawsuit by doing depositions, interrogatories, research, and writing my book, high intensity eye work both but both needing to be done, and so they were.
I popped pills, at one point up to 14 grains of codeine a day (4 - 6 is the normal dosage) accepting the awful feeling they gave me. I had no choice - I had work to do.
Today I think about going to the store and then to the church meeting. It is too much. I do not want to take more than 1 pill, for the whole day. I do not want to make the pain worse by checking out the store aisles or letting the sun beam into my eye, setting off the light sensitivity pain, making the eye usage harder and the pain more severe, and harder to shake off.
It bothers me. Why could I do it then but cannot now, or really, the question - why do I not want to do it now?
Of course the easy answer is who wants to cause themselves pain if they do not have to? It is not necessary to complete the errands today. Nothing I need to get is of vital immediate importance. It can wait, making 'school' tonight the main painful thing I will do today.
A part of me gets mad at myself. Why could I do it then but now it just seems like too much trouble? Is it age? Maybe. 20's, 30's then, 50's now. Yep, maybe it is age.
Is it the tired of putting myself in pain, of placing myself in situations that I know will make the pain worse, or, if a good day, has not yet started? Yes, maybe it is the act of being my own torturer.
There is so much I want to do. I hate the being alone and the lonliness. I deplore the inactivity. The difference, I think, is then I did what had to be done, what must be done. The store, the gas station, even medical appointments - none of them will make much of a difference if I put them off for a day or two. The hatefulness of the not doing may come down to the aloneness - most days, if I choose not to go out, that's it, I see no one. On a day like today I have the church to look forward to for tonight.
As I write this out my thoughts work to answer the question. Maybe it is the lack of connectedness to the world but also the lack of stimulation, of seeing other people, of having things to think about outside of myself. Maybe, one of the reasons I could do it then and less so now is because I have nothing of enough importance in my life that it must be done, the pain be darned. What a sad thing.
I have no answer for it. Just a 'here is my thought' for today post.