Seasonal affective disorder:"Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that is tied to seasons of the year. Most people with SAD are depressed only during the late fall and winter (sometimes called the "winter blues") and not during the spring or summer. A small number, however, are depressed only during the late spring and summer." *
I do not really have it, at least not to the level required for a psychiatric diagnosis. It is usually associated with the reduced number of sunlight hours. I do not see an explanation for the folks who have it in summer and spring.
I know my reason.
The spring and summer have longer days. I wake and the sunlight streams through the windows. It is so bright the curtains are no foil for it.
My first thought: what a gorgeous day. My second thought: the bright light hurts my eye already and I have yet to do anything. The third thought: what am I going to do with all the hours in this day?
I have choir rehearsal tonight. Yay! And yet, it is a pain causing activity. I will be with people and a part of something. I will also need to take codeine and fight the effects of the pill and the pain. Enjoyment and anticipation become pain and worry.
Sometimes I think I need to join some kind of a group. I do not have folks here that I can call beforehand or on a whim and say "Let's go out to the store or for coffee." Most people work. Those who do not seem to have full schedules. I want a full schedule. I also want to have Donald Trump's money and a house made of gold.
Maybe it is age or fatigue. I find the fear of the pain getting worse, keeping me tethered to my house.
It is an amazing thing. When the pain was at its worse, when the idea of a breeze or a touch setting off the pain, I feel like I did more. Memory is funny. Maybe I did. No, I know I did but doing so involved being on high levels of narcotics: feeling tired, fuzzy, dry mouthed all day long.
The pain, now only in and around my eye, has me fighting against taking the meds - struggling with the thought of taking even one - much more than I think I ever did. I do not know why. All along I have felt brain surgery is for something horrendous, like cancer, not 'just' for pain. Despite the 12 surgeries a part of me still feels that way. I am the queen of denial.
Narcotics, even the lowest level is for something gigundous, not 'just' because I used my eye. And yet, there it is. It is the only thing to be done if I want to do something, something I am not really sure helps, other than to give me a false sense of control.
So, I sit here in my house. I keep the computer on, sometimes stay sitting in front of it but fighting to keep from actively using it continuously.
I look at the clock. Let's see, it is 2:00. Only 6 hours until dusk: and I cannot be out then because I cannot drive at night.
Today Rachel is picking me up to go to choir. 5 hours until I need to get ready. Maybe I could go out. Go to the store for something. No. That will make the pain worse. It is too sunny and if I look at a lot of items or go up and down the aisles I will need to take a pill. I am already annoyed at myself and the pain because I had to take a codeine this morning. Choir will mean having to take much more than I want to for one day.
So I am sad: sad that pain has robbed me of so much, just because the day requires me to use my eyes, even when I am doing nothing. S.A.D. because the beautiful day, the wonderful season, increases my sense of loss.
(I like to try and end even depressing posts or stories in 'real life' with a smile or joke. It was hard to find one for this post but then it came to me. Not a big one. For some reason the idea of Beauty and the beast occurred to me. Spring the beauty, pain the beast. It worked out in the story. Maybe there is a way for spring and I to also become friends and partners.