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My book.
"Fascinating" Stephen S. Hall. writer, N.Y.Times magazine. "Hard to put down." A.C.P.A., American Chronic Pain Association.

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Saturday, March 19, 2011

Hmmm, do I go negative or positive today?

The good stuff comes as you read further on:

I had some unsettling news yesterday when I went to the doctor to get clearance to have my battery changed. The battery runs my brain implant and it is dying. They let you have anaesthesia or sedation but I just want a local shot of Novocaine. Numb me up, pop the old one out and pop the new one in. Easy as pie. It should be pure simplicity but no, they make you go through all the steps, x-rays, blood work, anaesthesia clearance by an anaesthesiology resident, and EKG. The cardiologist saw my ekg and refused to clear me for the surgery. There is an issue. I have to have a 3-4 hour stress test next week and an echocardiogram. It does not make me a happy camper. I am somewhat worried (not a lot because I have never had a 'normal' ekg and each time the abnormality has been different.) because I am afraid it will hold up the surgery. I want the battery changed. I am noticing that there is a difference in my pain level as it dies more and more.

I bought a house and it turns out it is a lemon. This has me very worried.

I woke up today in a bad mood, worried and annoyed. Annoyed because the weekends are always harder on me. When pain dictates your day you need things to do and there is more to do on the weekday. If not, there is a TV schedule you can live by. Weekends puts me at loose ends.

About an hour ago I remembered that there is a meeting I can go to. It is a psychic group that meets once a month at the local library.
I, like I think almost everyone, have had my 'twilight zone' experiences but I do not believe a lot of what they talk about. Sometimes I enjoy it and wonder if the subject for the day is real. More often I feel like a fraud, like Randy the debunker. I keep quiet but inside my thoughts are not always generous.

So, Do I go to the meeting?

I am alone, I have no family - that is for another post. My friends, absent 2, do not live near me. They would have no interest in a group like this anyway. I sometimes drown in the feelings of aloneness and loneliness the feeling is so deep and dark. Somedays I scream in my mind, please I need somebody and want somebody in my life who needs me too. But today is not a screaming day, just a man, I have got to find something to do today.

I decide to go. What good does it do for me to dwell on the problems that weigh heavily on me?

Let's see -

if I stay home all I can do is chew on the bad things, fret and feel the agita and anxiety these thoughts bring with them.

If I go to the meeting I may listen to something that is not exactly my cup of tea. Today's subject is telepathy. It could be interesting.
A lot of folks come and I have yet to meet one I do not like. Afterwards we go to a restaurant and just hang.
Yes, it will cause me pain, no doubt. Yes, I will have to take the codeine and feel not 100% present. Yes, I will be out in the world, I will be with others, and I will even get some pizza, maybe.

It is always a choice. The pain may not let us choose when we have it. It may be the boss of us when it decides, no, I am too bad now. I will neither let you do what you want nor will I let you forget I am here, But I can choose to be the boss of my life.
I choose today to go to the meeting. I choose to tell the pain, heck, no, I am taking charge today.

Maybe, if I learn enough today, I can send you this post telepathically.

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