The choir banquet is coming up. I have gone to the last 3. They are nice. The restaurant is nice, the food okay, the company good.
But. The lights are bright. No matter where I sit I have to look to the left and to the right to talk to people. It is a codeine laden night.
Since my implant has died the pain from eye usage and movement has gotten worse, and worse. I find myself doing less and less because of the increase of pain and the decrease of eye usage time.
Choir rehearsal, and the church service is very hard for me. Rehearsal requires a lot of singing and a lot of looking at the sheet music. In addition, the room is very bright. Since it has gotten hotter there is also the movement of the fan. The eye responds in pain not only to my moving it but when something moves in front of it so the fan is an additional problem. The service is hard even though we only sing one song and 2 hymns (and an introit).
I do better after church when we go downstairs to 'fellowship'. The light is bright but I am not as close to them as I am in choir where the ceiling seems to be lower, in addition to sitting on a higher level so we are closer to the lights. There is no choir director to have to try and watch for movements to indicate when and how to sing. Nevertheless, if I talk to too many people I can be in trouble with the eye. The benefit is I can leave whenever I want.
The banquet requires too much of me. I am not sure why but I have never felt I am a fully accepted member of the choir. I try to talk to people or be involved in conversations but often am ignored. I am not sure if that is me or them. (Another topic for another post, do I give off the scent, "don't ask".) Going is an inclusion. The pain is an exclusion. In addition I cannot drive at night so I have to stay no matter how much trouble I am in with the pain.
This year I have made the decision. I am not going. I am giving in to the pain and the fear of the pain.
It is a decision I hate to make, it is a capitulation I abhor. And sometimes it is the hateful that is the right thing to do.