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Friday, May 31, 2013


The choir banquet is coming up.  I have gone to the last 3.  They are nice.  The restaurant is nice, the food okay, the company good.

But.  The lights are bright.  No matter where I sit I have to look to the left and to the right to talk to people.  It is a codeine laden night.

Since my implant has died the pain from eye usage and movement has gotten worse, and worse.  I find myself doing less and less because of the increase of pain and the decrease of eye usage time.

Choir rehearsal, and the church service is very hard for me.  Rehearsal requires a lot of singing and a lot of looking at the sheet music.  In addition, the room is very bright.  Since it has gotten hotter there is also the movement of the fan.  The eye responds in pain not only to my moving it but when something moves in front of it so the fan is an additional problem.  The service is hard even though we only sing one song and 2 hymns (and an introit).

I do better after church when we go downstairs to 'fellowship'.  The light is bright but I am not as close to them as I am in choir where the ceiling seems to be lower, in addition to sitting on a higher level so we are closer to the lights.  There is no choir director to have to try and watch for movements to indicate when and how to sing.  Nevertheless, if I talk to too many people I can be in trouble with the eye.  The benefit is I can leave whenever I want.

The banquet requires too much of me.  I am not sure why but I have never felt I am a fully accepted member of the choir.  I try to talk to people or be involved in conversations but often am ignored.  I am not sure if that is me or them.  (Another topic for another post, do I give off the scent, "don't ask".)  Going is an inclusion.  The pain is an exclusion.  In addition I cannot drive at night so I have to stay no matter how much trouble I am in with the pain.

This year I have made the decision.  I am not going.  I am giving in to the pain and the fear of the pain.

It is a decision I hate to make, it is a capitulation I abhor.  And sometimes it is the hateful that is the right thing to do.


  1. Carol, I feel for you. Horrible if you go, horrible if you don't. I think I would have come to the same decision too.

  2. Do dark, surround type glasses help? Of course, they would draw attention to your problem which is just what you are trying to avoid. I have been in debilitating pain for 40 years and have made the decision to stay home too many times. It is now my lifestyle and I am quite lonely. The alternative was not possible for me as most loved ones left my side rather than the other way around. Best to you.

  3. Hi Colleen.
    Thanks but I have anaesthesia dolorosa (phantom pain of the face) on the left side so the touching of the frames would be a problem for me. Otherwise it would be a good idea.
    Unfortunately you and I are in the same boat with being alone. I have been more and more not going to things in the past 6 months. It is a hard balance, the aloneness and lonliness vs the pain and which side do you chose?

  4. Hi LIz, Thanks. It is too often the darned if you do darned if you don't.

  5. I found a Doctor who has invented a cure for chronic pain !! I have had chronic pain for over 10 years. I had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and a disc in my spine. When the surgeon went to operate on my disc the surgery was complicated by surgery longer than they thought and the pain was worse after the surgery. To make matters worse, the fibromyalgia flared so badly that I could no longer hold my job in computer data entry which was not even physically demanding. Long story short, I was with pain and no work for years, going in for another failed surgery to try to fix the first. Then going to chiropractic, physical therapy. I tried chiropractic and epidural injections. I had a neurologist, a physical therapist, a rheumatologist, a naturopath, and I even went to acupuncture. Nothing worked. My surgeon wanted me to see a psychiatrist because I was so depressed and a pain management doctor. I tried two psychiatrists and four pain management physicians before I found myself on the couch taking 20 pills a day with no relief. Then I found about this pain doctor in California in Newport Beach, his name was Scott Stoney, MD. The doctor has published articles about pain treatment and he has so many certifications on his website. I called and did my research about him on line and it looked good. When I went to his office, patients were traveling from across the country to see him. Some even taking airplane rides to get there. Others were from Los Angeles who had heard about him. Even though I went all this way to see him I was nervous. After listening to my story, looking at my MRI's and talking to me he told me about a treatment for chronic pain that he invented. Dr. Stoney was a Chemical Engineer before becoming a physician. He developed and injection that breaks up the pain. He explained the injection to me and luckily I was a candidate for the injection. Well long story short, I began the injections from Dr. Stoney. I was able to get off the couch and I could tolerate sitting within two months. I was even looking for work in six months !!! With this economy finding a job after an injury is nearly impossible but my network was still there and my friend was working for Netflix and they were hiring so she got me right to see the right person for a job. I was back to work. Dr. Stoney is really a man of miracles. He was trustworthy, kind, helpful, he listened, he was there for me the whole way. He has the god like touch were he was able to find the spots to inject right away. He has been practicing since 1987 in California. If you have the means to see him, he has created a cure for chronic pain. I still have to take some medication for pain but no crazy doses of medications that other doctors put me on. I see Dr. Stoney on a maintenance basis to keep bolstering my health. There is nothing in his injection that hurts the stomach or liver or kidney or lungs or anything else in my body. I found a Miracle, his name is Scott Stoney, MD in Newport Beach California.

  6. Hi DeRamirez,
    I am glad you found someone in whom you can have such faith and he has helped you to the degree he has.