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Sunday, February 5, 2012


I wrote a while back about giving: giving in, giving up and giving yourself permission. While changing the parameters of my stimulation I realized I left one out: giving yourself time.

It is so easy when trying a new pill, new treatment, even new levels and kind of stimulation, to give up quickly.

"It isn't working." after a day or two, sometimes even a week or two.

"It didn't work." after surgery, procedure or treament even though it has only been a day, a few days, a week or only a month.

"It doesn't work." Period.

That was the mantra to my doc after my first implant in 1986. It was doing absolutely nothing. I had to keep a magnet with me at all times. Touching it against the battery would turn it off in case of trouble. I hated feeling the battery under my skin. I hated touching the cold hard metal by mistake. I hated becoming attached to any metal I passed, machines, cashier's tables, etc.

I just hated the whole thing. Anyway, it was not helping - so what was the point?

My neurosurgeon and I agreed it would be removed. I was waiting until I felt like having more surgery. It was just a matter of time.

Three months passed. Maybe it's time to call and schedule it. Just get rid of this thing.", I thought as I turned on the water and got into my morning shower. I moved into position, my left face away from the spray so the the water could not touch the pained area of either the face or scalp and trigger the pain.

Somehow a few droplets of water hit it anyway. It did not hurt! Wait a minute. Could this really be? Incredulous, I stood still, trying to figure it out. Okay. I can do this I thought as I slowly turned my face towards the water. I was petrified yet hope was pounding against my chest and ringing loud in my ears and mind. I was a phobic deciding to do the thing I feared the most in the world. The water hit. Oh my G-d! No pain! NO PAIN! Three months. No benefit. And out of the blue - there it was. It was working.

I could have given in sooner and had it taken out. I had given no thought to 'tincture of time'. It was happenstance that I had this chance to have it work.

The changes I have made with this implant have not really kicked in - yet. I think there may be some benefit but I cannot decide because one day of eye usage can not be directly compared to the next. But this time I know I have to give it time.

It is very frustrating, waiting, hanging on, hoping. Part of me says the heck with it, it is not going to work. The hope and yearning part says, no, it is too soon. You must wait it out.

Tincture of time. It is a hated prescriptiion but maybe, just maybe, one that many of us need, no matter how hard, to try.


  1. Patience while having pain is the most difficult battle. We can't walk away from it and when it's there, it tries to take away the things we hold dear. Such as our joy, serenity, mobility and much more.
    It is as much a spiritual battle as a physical one.
    I do not claim to understand the gravity of your pain.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

  2. Thank you for comments and reading, It sounds as tough either you or someone you know has this battle also.