Yesterday I was going downtown to attend a trigeminal neuralgia support meeting. There would be a speaker and I wanted to give him a copy of my book. His book, and speech to us, asserts the pain of trigeminal neuralgia can be helped by nutritional changes,. These supplements may include "daily shots of B12." among other large amounts of vitamins and minerals.
He is a retired cardiovascular surgeon. TN is a neurosurgical/neurological condition,.
I caught up with him before he left and was able to give him my book.
He told me he had a relative who had TN; but he only works with relatives and friends. Based on his belief in this "treatment" it was hard to believe he really understood what tn was like. I hoped the book would help him know the true pain of it. (I do not know how bad the tn of his relative was but his vitamin, mineral remedy indicated to me it was not to the level many of experience.)
As I rode the train I opened the book to the first page. I have never forgotten the moment the first pain struck but then I thought back further to how I was feeling at that time.
I had just moved to NYC. I had a job I hated and was fired from a few days before Christmas (the social worker I worked for came in the office one day and said "I can see the contempt you have for me every time I walk in the office. You're fired." He was right. He was a primal scream therapist. I felt he was taking advantage of clients and the therapy was a farce.)
Maybe, I thought for the thousandth time, the pain started because I was so depressed at the time.
My pain is from a birth defect. Maybe the stress finally set it off.
So many of us think this way; it is something I did, the way my life was at the time, the way I lived my life.
I thought about it a little more. The first surgery worked, 99.9%. I got a job as soon as I was allowed. The job was okay, a clerk in the advertising department of HOUSE BEAUTIFUL magazine, but I made two friends, almost immediately. I was happy. I was not acting but I had a job, I had friends, I had a salary. I was enjoying my life.
And then, out of the blue the pain came back. There was nothing I could blame it on. It just 'was'.
How often have you had that thought, if I only had not (been, done) that the pain would not have started?
It is hard not to find a reason, it is easier when we think we have one, even if it means putting the blame on ourselves.
The truth is, not matter how we felt, no matter what we were going through, the pain may be our burden to bear, but the blame is not ours to shoulder.