We learned a song in church chorus the other night. Part of the verse went "You have given to me all the love I have found, I want to thank you Lord."
I like the song and found myself humming it alot, coming back to the words again and again. They rattled around in my mind, The longer I thought about them the angrier and more depressed I felt. "For all the love I have found"? How can I say 'thanks' for that?
My family abandoned me, I have no family of my own (husband, children). I have a sad life history, as a result I have never even had a first love, much less a second or more. That stinks. "Love I have found? Yeah. Right.
Wait a minute. Does it have to be bad? I have not found love so gee, thanks a lot. The people who are supposed to be my family turned their backs on me. I never had that high school or college sweetheart. I have no family to lovingly take care of and to lovingly take care of me. (Heck, on many days I would take unlovingly - but only in theory.)
For the love I have found -
My nephew loves me, and I him, but we live far apart. It is a relationship forged only a few years ago. We email alot, sometimes once, even twice a day. But he is not here in front of me, to hug and talk with, to look at eye to eye, expression to expression. That does not dilute the love. That does not make it absent.
My best friend moved away. I think we can say we love each other although it is the same as with my nephew. It is not in the here and now, right in front of you, so near it is touchable. Does that negate it? Of course not.
Even my cats. I love my cats. They're cats. They have food and litter and warmth, and even cuddles; at their sole discretion. It may not be doglove but I think it is still a form of love.
It is not a life of hollywood love and relationships, of Jane Austen and Little Women family and romance, but there is love.
It is so easy to see things in the negative, in the absent. Turn it around, inside out and upside down, and it may turn out the positive was there - in front of you - all the time.
My book.
"Fascinating" Stephen S. Hall. writer, N.Y.Times magazine. "Hard to put down." A.C.P.A., American Chronic Pain Association.
The hardest part for me, because human's need human contact, I miss that. I miss being touched and helded from my mom, dad, brother and sister. Everyone of them have passed on except my sister, but she is distant in miles and in emotions for me. I also feel so lonely at times. I do have a fiance and he is my only support. However, I am so very grateful for him and for my two dogs. They are my little family and I know you are lonely, but I hope soon you will find friendships at your church or anywhere and feel the love you yern for and maybe these friends can become like family. I just know how important it is to have someone in person to bond with. Keep in contact with your nephew and your best friend. Love & Light to you and I hope you feel the warmth of love around you, even from a distance.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for all the losses you have faced. I am glkad you have been able to make a family for yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind thoughts.