AN APPOINTMENT I WOULD RATHER NOT HAVE, A DECISION I WOULD RATHER NOT HAVE TO MAKE.

I have to see the neurosurgeon today. We will talk about the failed stimulator. I feel like I do not know what to do; but I do. I think I just need to have the battery removed, which is not a big deal. Usually they give you at a minimuum a sedative but I convinced the doctor to just give me a shot of novacaine at the site of the battery, leaving me fully awake and aware. It hurt, for sure, especially when he had to pull and yank to get to let loose of the scar tissue to which it had become intimately attached. I would like the wire out too but that might require more then a shot and I want to be able to get off the table and be done with it.

The thought of that sends me into a tizzy: my stomach clutches, my jaw clenches, and all of me cringes.

I do not worry about if there will be discomfort again, the battery is only a year or so old, any attachment it has to be should be minimal. I worry about what happens now? What happens next? And the biggest worry, what if there is no next.

If I do this, that is the end of it. All hope is gone, the implant is essentially gone, even if the chip is still attached to my brain.

Dr. Sharan and I will talk, I have an almost hour ride of the train to think, more, about it, as though it has not been one of my main issues of obsession since it started to fail.

I just did not know how well it had worked. Now that it has been off for a few months, and new and different issues pop up, I am even more light sensitive, the lid swells whenever it wants, which it has always done, only now more and with more discomfort, my eye time has been reduced whenever I do consistent eye work, I want to write this in one fell swoop, but the eye is telling me, do not be an idiot, stop, cme back later. But later feels like too late, because later will be after I amke the choice.

It is not as though I cannot call and cancel if I have a date for the battery removal, but what is the point to keeping it in if I cannot turn it on, Maybe removing it is the best idea if only so I can no longer be tempted to turn it on.

I am frustrated, annoyed, angry,...scared.

I have no noral for this post, today is a post of venting.